Not to us...Not to us

To be honest, I shouldn't be on here. I *should* be doing my slideshows and really focusing on those since time is so short.  But sometimes, the most important thing is to simply reevaluate or readjust my lens as to why I am here. And I've chosen this outlet.

These days ever since Saturday night, a heavy...heavy weariness has completely taken over my body. Step by step literally every day I take with a sob on my lips "God give me Your strength."  For the first time last night before night duty, I could do nothing but lay on my bed too exhausted to close my eyes or even cry.  I felt sick.

Some might say... the honeymoon is over. Yet, from the beginning this has been no honeymoon...not even close. I never expected it to be. Except in one way.

God gave me this word at the beginning of this year. "I am going to romance you and we're going to grow close together." He has kept His Word. Never, once has He told me it would be easy. But He has tenderly taught me and tenderly held me. Even now in my exhuastedness and stripped bare, He is moving within me. I know although I can hardly feel him.

I choose to move. I choose to hold my head up high. I choose over my own feelings, over my own bodily strength, over my own limitations to rise up with a smile and love people and do what I can to serve. It.Is.Hard.  But worth it.

Lately, I've had to shove down the irritations of people thinking all I do is walk around and take photos. It is so frustrating and IF I allow it Satan could have my lunch. The second irritations is persuading people to let me take their photographs, I've gotten to the point of my flesh getting ready to say...fine. Then I won't and you won't be shown in the presentation. I am so sorry you think so little of yourself that you don't think you're worthy to be photograph.  Indeed he has tempted me sorely. While that may be true, it isn't necessary and it isn't kind. Thank God that He has held my tongue up until now. And I have debated whether or not to keep this paragraph.  It is hard to keep it, and I want so very much to delete it. But for some reason I can't seem to.

One of the hardest lessons I have learned here is not to compare my work ethics to others. My work is different than others, but the reasoning behind the work is the same. We're here because God called us to love and to serve no matter what our jobs are. If I do what God tells me to do...no less....AND no more...than I am obedient. What? You say. No more? Yes...no more. God has placed specific jobs with specific amount of time span and specific energy. If I get in the way then I am in a sense competing for glory. It is for His glory...not for my own.

When He spoke to me in which He also had me speak and pray yesterday in the sharing time, He gave me scriptures. Pay close attention to them. I think you'll find a running theme.

Psalm 121

I will life up my eyes to the mountains
From where shall my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made the heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber,
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor Sleep

The Lord is your keep;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day
nor the moon by night
The Lord will protect you from all evil
He will keep your soul.
The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever

Psalm 116: 1-7

I love the Lord, because He hears
My voice and my supplications
Because He has inclined His ear to me.
Therefore I shall call upon Him as long as I live
The cords of death encompassed me
and the terrors of Shoal came upon me;
I found distress and sorrow.
Then I called upon the name of the Lord;
"O lord, I beseech You, save my life!"

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;
Yes, our God is compassionate
The Lord preserves the simple;
I was brought low; and He saved me.
Return to your rest, O my soul
For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

Psalms 115

Not to us O Lord, Not to us
but to your name be the glory
because of your lovingkindness, because of your truth.


Let me highlight  that last scripture. Not to us...Not to us. But to His name be the glory. His name be the glory forever more, Amen.