I ought to be doing school, I should be helping my parents paint my room, I aught to help clean up the house, and the I aught and should...but I am not. I can't. There's something inside of me that simply isn't letting me do anything save for finding a restoring joy inside of me. God isn't letting me get any work done.   In exchanged He is helping my guilt stricken conscious of what I aught to be doing and filling my long  absent of Him and of Joy and of just simply enjoying to live. My friends...it is impossible not to live without Joy and especially without Him. For if you do, you will crash and crash HARD.

For months now I haven't allowed myself to grieve. To grieve the absent of my best friend and mom as she went to Grandparents. I know its silly, but I refused to let any emotions take over except concern over my mom. I simply pushed my feelings aside and focused on school. My grandparents I whom I loved dearly I couldn't face the thought of losing. I still can't. In my dreams they will live forever and be strong, and they will in my heart. I couldn't or wouldn't allow myself to express my feelings even to my family members. My friends that was dangerous.

When a friend died. I refused to let myself grieve. Even my friends most likely didn't know how that his death bothered me. More importantly I didn't allow my family to see my hurt. A smile plastered on my face as I went about my days. That my friends is pride. Pure and Simple. I thought I had to be strong. I thought crying was shameful thing to do...I thought I would be complaining...I thought it was too much to share with my family...well I was wrong, dead wrong. My family is there for me and if I want to be there for them then I have to release my pain. It only works both ways.

School was going well...for the most part. But I was beyond exhausted and I still am. I was only going through the motions and getting mostly good grades. The only thing besides my Beloved who kept me up was my love for Photography. Am I good? I don't know. But I love it and with patience I will become excellent. But here's the rub I noticed a huge difference on the days when I take my time and I pour my love into my photographs, then doing it for school where I love it, but the deadlines are beating on my back I sometimes forget to just enjoy and relax. When you pour yourself into something no matter what it is that is what is going to make something excellent as you are loving it. With photography it is the smallest details that make up the photograph...and getting the exposure right. I just had to remember why I love photography, and why I was doing this. That is all it counts. Let others outshine me, let them succeed me, let them become famous. If all I ever do is make memories, pour myself into my passion, and show God then that is enough.  He will take care of the rest. It is enough even if I don't make a single cent off of my photographs or get a job as a photograph or own my own business to show the Glory of God. Isn't that what our passion is about? Show the Glory of God in your passion and in your work whatever it is you do.

Aside from photography, my personal life felt as if is was in a game of scramble. It feels like I am being torn apart. Most of these days I don't know where I am, almost like I am walking or running in a fog. But I know whose I am and that is what is keeping me going. Some of this was my fault, I didn't know any better, but some of it isn't. That doesn't really matter, because God is faithful. He is restoring me and giving me life in a way I have never known. This hard season will pass and because of God I will be so much better off for it. My God is so good and even in my darkness moments when I felt as if I was dying, He kept my light shinning. I live only for Him and because of Him. Rejoice in Him if you can't find joy anywhere else. He will never forsake you nor leave you. His blessings are all around even if you can not see it. Rejoice for a new season has come, God will be there. Rejoice, rejoice, and rejoice for the Lord is Good.